I remember an experience I had. I went to the airport to pick up a girl I had a crush on. She had a layover and so I to pick her up and hang out for a couple hours. I spent a lot of time convincing her to stay for a few extra hours and catch a later flight, which she did. I thought it was an awesome time, and we both had fun. You can imagine my sadness when I did not hear from her for nearly 2 weeks. My thoughts were “did I push it, was I overbearing and what did I do wrong ?”. I remember when I got a call from her and I had the opportunity to ask her what happened, why she had not returned my phone calls? To my disappointment it was in the way I acted, and had nothing to do with “pushing it”, or wanting it too muc. it had everything to do with how I made her feel.
One of the things that originally attracted me to this girl was her interest in everyone around her. I met her in a very social situation, with people from many walks of life. There were many who were "socially awkward" and probably did not have a lot to social experience in their lives. She talked to everyone, regardless of class or social status, and made everyone feel a little bit better for having talked to her. Just by asking a few simple questions and taking the time to listen, she made these people feel like rock stars.
This continued on that fateful afternoon. She very quickly asked about me, my family, my roommate, his family, so on and so forth. I was really drawn to this. We went to my roommate's parents’ house for dinner, and instantly she was talking to his dad, his mom, his sister, and all those there. His parents later commented on how special person she was.
I love people who love people, and are so interested in the lives of others. There are so many people who just need to be heard. This is evidenced in sacrament meetings when it seems like some people are just talking to be heard. They don't really bear testimony, but share stories and experiences that would be more appropriate to share with friends and family. However because they have no one to share this with, they do so in the only outlet they see, an open pulpit with an audience (albeit somewhat trapped audience). I have often thought how sad it might be to have no one to listen to you, and the despair that comes with not having that outlet. That is why when someone like this girl, so aware of others, enters into your life, it is a special thing, something to be remembered. Just as she did when I met her, and at my roommates parents house, she made people feel better about themselves.
Now put yourself in the shoes of that girl, the great listener. She spent her days and her nights, listening to others, giving those people an outlet, giving them someone who cares. However this girl is just like the rest, needing an outlet, someone to listen . The listeners also need that person, a close friend who knows and can sense when they need to "unload". A lot of times that person is a close friend, a mother or father, a sibling, or more importantly, a spouse. So, with yourself in this young woman's shoes, imagine the disappointment when the one you would hope would ask about you and your life, doesn't. That is what I did. I was so focused on how she made me feel, I didn't think about how she felt. I didn't ask about her. I let the conversation be about me, and the great feelings of having someone so interested in me. I even commented to my friends later it was so nice to have someone so "into me”. I hyper-focused on how I felt, not remembering how she felt. I had the opportunity to be the listener, to give that person an outlet for their feelings and thoughts, and I blew it.
I think I remember this lesson, not only because of the consequences, but especially because of the feelings that resonated in my heart and mind. I had caused someone to feel less than they did before. Many times in my life, I did this because I felt I had nothing to offer, and it was so much easier to talk about me than them. I have business partners, who always counseled to focus on her, and I knew that, but in that moment I gave in to the seductive and enticing feeling of letting it be about me.
Much more than a physical connection is the emotional, spiritual connection that comes with listening, sincerely listening, to the heart and desires of the one you're with. Giving them the opportunity, through questions and a genuine conversation, to feel heard and appreciated, does more for their self-worth than a million compliments. It is a comforting feeling to know you have someone who listens to you. Going further, in callings, business, life in general, we will have the opportunity to come in contact with many people. How many of them just need someone to listen, to take a sincere interest in their life? How many people could be brought to their Savior, because one of his servants took the time, to take the focus off themselves, and to put it on someone else?
I realize how hyper- focusing on yourself can leave others feeling at best and disappointed, at worst, alone and unappreciated. I imagine what it's like for the Savior, who gave so much, and listen to so many, to be ignored and put aside by the distractions of an attention needy world. He asked us, if we love him, to just keep his commandments and follow him. May we not only listen to the Savior, but listen to others. I am willing to bet, like the Scriptures say, as we lose our lives in the service of others, we will find our own. Many times that service is simply listening and taking an interest in someone else.
I think many of us are fearful for missionary service, because we don't want to start "that" conversation. It seems hard and awkward, and sometimes even inappropriate in certain settings. We imagine the great missionaries that we have heard, being able to preach the gospel in any situation. I would submit listening and take an interest in the lives of others, is the best way to start this endeavor. Many times we don't know how to breach the subject, yet if we would just listen, I am willing to bet that we will learn something from what they say that will give us that opportunity to preach the gospel. Teaching the gospel is not always talking, I believe a big part of it is listening. Although sometimes overused, the age old adage still rings true, they don't care what you know, until they know how much you care.
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